Seamus

Seamus is the politician of unusual outlook who thinks in Limericks.

I say it again with a grin
This ballot you’re striving to win
Lib Dem, Labour or Tory
At the end of the story
The government’s bound to get in

Pauline Prescott’s revelation that John had proposed to her in the toilet on a train
In a romantic valentine’s mood
After shovelling British rail food
To the lavvy we hopped
And the question he popped
Just five minutes after I’d – powdered my nose!

Then there was the MP’s expenses scandal

The voters should put through the mill
Those caught with their hands in the till
Buying mowers and books
And houses for ducks
Then sending the people the bill.

We MPs have been known to grouse
We’re as poor as any church mouse.
Now for lack of your vote
I must clean my own moat
And evict my poor ducks from their house!

Inspired by a young girl having trouble with her tongue piercing!
This Hull tribal look you’d suppose
Makes me look really cool when I pose
I have stuck metal bits
Where decency permits
And a chicken bone right through my nose.

Complaints about an unmarked police motorbike

When the judge said my speed was appalling
Down Waterhouse Lane, it was galling.
If I hadn’t gone fast
That copper I passed
Might have picked me up for kerb crawling!

On Problems with dog fouling in East Riding cemeteries.

It seems the solution to me
For avoiding the dog muck and wee
Stopping each canine knave
From polluting my grave
Is to have myself buried at sea!

On unlit pavement cyclists

Forgive an old cyclist who writes
But on black winter mornings and nights
Why do parents not dread
Their kids might end up dead
Cause they won’t spend a ha’penny on lights?

A half decent parent would like
To safeguard his dear little tyke
So if it is true
That he’s precious to you
Then buy him some lights for his bike!

I loathe those who ride in full flight
In the darkness of  morning and night.
With contempt and disdain
In their antics inane
On the footpath without any lights.

Prolific thief caught with £10,000 pic on wall, stolen from the Ferens Gallery when police called to a domestic incident. In an unrelated incident, an affray in Brough ended with a villain having his ear cut with his own Samurai sword.

A city of culture and art!
Down Greek Street we’re making a start
In Brough a man here
Has cut off an ear
Like Van Gogh, he’s playing his part!

Allo, Allo! I believe in that tube is
Something more precious than rubies
I’m seizing with honour
The fallen Madonna
You know, the one with the big .. err .. attributes

His heart was as hard as a flint
So in prison he’s starting his stint.
I must offer this stricture,
If he liked the picture
Why didn’t he just buy the print?

I urge you Hull villains all
If you’ve stolen goods hung on your wall
To avoid grief and strife
Don’t go beating your wife
Inviting the coppers to call!

A Gallery of loveable rogues

What reason am I on this earth?
And what was the point of my birth?
Like the mosquito small
I’ve no purpose at all
But to plague you for all I am worth!

When I’m finally buried beneath
Will folks note my passing with grief?
Will they say there upon
Good riddance, he’s gone!
And breathe a great sigh of relief?

Another story of a forty something burke damaging property & making bogus calls to the emergency services!

There are so many stories on here
Of daft lads who can’t take their beer
They’d quickly mature
If they had to endure
The stocks, we could throw things and jeer!

A Plethora of limericks inspired by the news that a 12 year old Cottingham High School girl is suing the Ellie Rose bus company. She stood in a bus luggage rack with a friend and landed in the road when the window gave way under their weight.

I thought that the rack looked so neat
I would use it instead of a seat
With acute lack of grace
I was launched into space
Now I’m parked – on me bum – in the street!

While making me way ‘ome from Cott
Up into the pram rack I got
The window fell out
And before I could shout
I was out – on the road – on me bott!

On that old bus owned by Ellie Rose
Things were not as you readers suppose
Twas not breaking the code
That sat me on the road
I’d just popped out to powder my nose.

I honestly think, don’t you
That if Ellie Rose used better glue
To stick up their winder
I’d not be so tender
And wouldn’t be tempted to sue!

I’m not usually given to fuss
Much less to swear and to cuss
But my fall from grace
Has remodelled my face
Like the back of an Ellie Rose bus.

I can say it without hesitation
That when lawyers promote litigation
Their avarice and greed
For which there’s no need
Is sucking the blood from our nation.

There was a young lady from Cottingham
Found sat in the road on her bottingham
Said she, “On the bus
I was making a fuss
And as to me brains I’d forgotting ‘em.”

The one thing we hedgehogs all dread
Is the traffic, it has to be said.
Well, I’d just dodged a bus
Without too much fuss
When a girl landed smack on my head

The girls neither swore nor cursed
As through the window they burst
For their minds were too set
On arranging a bet
As to which one would hit the ground first.

Limericks inspired by the recent decision that incontinence should be considered a disability and the effect it has had on nursery teachers, who have been burdened with potty training.

Disability laws are so tight
That even those parents that might
Use both potty and tissue
Are dodging the issue
So now we get all of the sh…… errm …. mess

The problem is those parents who
Fail to introduce kids to the loo.
They’ll not take their wee pog
For a trip to the bog
So we end up with all of the p…..  errm ……. mess

Incontinence, let us all sing
Is a real disability thing
It ‘s nothing to do
With those lax parents who
Can’t be bothered with potty training.

The political correctness crew
Decided to seek pastures new
You may think it crazy
To empower the lazy
That don’t train their kids on the loo.

On The Weather News

We’re bracing ourselves for snow
The Hull Daily Mail told us so
So its blizzards, beware,
If its icy take care
And the traffic will go   v   e   r   y     s   l   o   w !

Chaos Theory (Clive Sullivan Way gridlocked yet again!)
If some butterfly, sparkling and full
Flaps its wings in some forest so dull
It may not cause tornadoes
In Spain or Barbados
But it will stop the traffic in Hull!

Mouse spotted on hospital ward!

I just don’t know how you have the gall
To complain of a rodent so small
Twas me I declare
And when I was there
I was wearing my clean overall!

Then there’s the perennial problem of people smacking buses outside St Stephen’s shopping centre

‘Gainst the laws of physics divine
I committed a heinous crime
It was one of my projects
For two solid objects
To occupy ‘same space at ‘same time!

Hi there, my name is Stan
I’m known as the little red man.
Just ignore me, don’t bide
But one day you’ll collide
With a bus or a truck or a van.

Spate of lead thefts!

Stan Laurel, who’s sadly now dead
Was truly profound when he said,
You can, if you oughta
Lead a horse to water
But a pencil has to be lead!

News of a play about the Viking, Egil Skallagrimson, wrecked on the North Bank, the territory of his arch enemy, Eric Blood Axe, rather than the South Bank, ruled by Athelstan.

Skallagrimson, for what the truth’s worth
Gave the South Bank a very wide berth
For the Grimsby of yore
Was regarded with awe
As the place where you fell off the earth!

Flying?
Though some say there’s nothing to lick it,
This flying lark just isn’t cricket
If the great one on high
Had meant man to fly
I’m sure he’d have bought me a ticket.
An article on water quality off the Yorkshire coast!

As a nipper in lang days of yore
I would swim off the Holderness shore
You learnt in that zone
To avoid what were known
As the Withernsea “brown men o’war”!

A PUB has been criticised for actively encouraging children to visit licensed premises during school hours.
The Pelican in East Hull has opened a restaurant in what used to be the venue’s games room, which is open to schoolchildren between 12 noon and 1pm. To access Jack’s Grill and Steak House, which is run as a franchise, youngsters have to walk through the main entrance to the pub – the same route used by regular customers.

To walk through the bar is no fuss
And won’t be a problem for us.
We’ll just guzzle our curry
Then leave in a hurry
Through the window – just like on the bus!

There’s a risk of corruption and riot
In pursuit of a public house diet
All that effing and blinding
We’ll have to be minding
So please ask the kids to keep quiet

I think that its cool and well ‘ard
To give lunchtime school the red card.
All that cola and chips
Has put pounds on my hips
And my acne is drowning in lard!

I nurture my children with care
They are precious to me, I declare.
So I pay for the grease
To make them obese
With pizzas and chips and such fare!

I was told I should eat “Five a day”
For keeping the doctor away
But now it’s got worse
And I’m dodging the hearse
And I daren’t look at how much I weigh!

I would go to the pub without fear
For a sandwich, a chat and a beer
But now there’s a riot
Surrounding my diet
Who let these children in here?

While checking the menu board out
Ne’er sign of a carrot nor sprout
Neither celery nor lettuce
The thing you can bet is
The nutritional value is nowt!

An item about measures to combat obesity in East Riding Children

I hope that me junk food aint barred
Cause I need all me fat and me lard
So I bounce like a pin does
When I fall through bus windows
Cause believe me that ground can be hard!

Last night as I sat down to tea
A cream bun kept winking at me
Determined to fire
My evil desire
How could a mere man let it be?