A Covid Christmas!
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house,
Nothing was stirring
But one poorly mouse.
“My bones are all aching
I cough and I sneeze.
My food has no taste
And I can’t smell the cheese.
I feel proper rammy
And thick in the head
But I’ll miss out on Christmas
If I take to my bed.
This thing comes from China
With which I’ve been stung.
It’s put a fur coat on
My poor mou-sey tongue.
It’s hard enough being,
It must be agreed,
A rodent so small,
An incontinent breed.
But life goes downhill
When you sneeze and you cough.
Things stick to your fur
And you can’t get it off.
I won’t be a good host
When the relatives call.
I hope I don’t give my germs
Out to them all.
And I can’t imagine them
Being too pleased,
If all throughout Christmas
They’ve coughed and they’ve sneezed.
So I suppose that I should
Give them all a quick call
And tell them that Christmas
Has gone to the wall.
Just what they will say
I shudder to think
But that’s what you get
For consorting with mink!”
The Talking Scale
I found a talking bathroom scale
Amongst my gifts this year
I thought, “How much more practical
Than aftershave and beer.”
My eyesight’s not the sharpest now
I really must concede
That tiny L E D display
Is difficult to read.
Perhaps it might be easier
If it could be viewed direct
But it hides behind my manly paunch
Not quite what you’d expect.
So you see why I was very pleased
To stand upright on the scale
And listened as a friendly voice
Spelt out the truthful tale.
Now why do people buy me sweets
And calorific buns?
They know I simply can’t resist
And soon pile on the tons.
And so it was this Christmas time
Each time I hit the scale
I hoped I might have lost a bit
Alas, to no avail.
I made sure I went to toilet first,
Clipped finger nails and toes
Then had the closest ever shave,
I even blew my nose!
But still the weight kept piling on
The scale began to moan
Delivering the day’s bad news
In a disapproving tone.
When I stood on this morning
It began to whine and wheeze
It hurt me when I heard it say,
“Only one at a time now – please!”
onlyinhull 